My Excursion through Transgenderism
Part III
Healing Contempt
“So separate those doors and let the Son of Resurrection in.”
John Mark McMillan – Skeleton and Bones
There was a constellation of spiritual and psychological issues contributing to my gender dysphoria and broken sexuality. Contempt was one of the significant yet subtle dynamics damaging my relational self.
Like a bowl of spaghetti, in which the removing of one strand of pasta would affect the others, so too it was with contempt in my life. When the dynamic of contempt was removed it affected the other broken dynamics residing within me. And the liberation from these faulty coping mechanisms empowered my underdeveloped masculine self.
Previously, you see, I had “thrown the baby out with the bath water.’ In order to protect myself from being hurt by the masculine I had rejected it altogether– I had thrown the good of masculinity out with the bad of masculinity.
But in His grace, God’s Spirit led me to discern between the good within the masculine—good that reflected His character— and that which was false/broken within the masculine. He enabled me to see the good in masculine as well as that which was very much like me. He also showed me places that I could identify with the masculine. Further, He revealed the broken masculine images many males reflected that were not of Him. Thru seeing His character I was able to recognize false masculinity and yet not curse the masculine population. I saw my own broken reflection of masculinity too, and so realized that I was not unlike other males. I began to self-identify as one of the guys. A guy with weaknesses and strengths just like all males. Compassion for the masculine within me and others replaced judgment and condemnation.
Forgiveness. Its effect is powerful. The asking and receiving of forgiveness has huge ramifications.
I needed forgiveness. I needed both to receive/feel forgiveness and to extend forgiveness. I had assigned myself the title roles or Judge, Jury and Executioner of the masculine. I had no right to these self appointments, but I assumed the roles! And in doing so I was sinning against the God to whom these roles truly belonged. I was in contempt of God. I acted as if I were The Judge and The Jury, designating myself as the More Knowing One. Indeed, I was in contempt of His court (creation). I contritely asked Him to forgive me for assuming His place as The Judge, Jury and Executioner. I had done a terrible job and the consequences had broken me.
In addition, I asked The Creator to forgive me for making a mockery of His masculine creation. Broken by humanity as it was, I had no right to mock it. In my mockery (becoming feminine) I was rejecting my own masculinity. I was covering up my masculinity with a false protective character. And, sadly, I was not reflecting the masculine character that he designed me to reflect.
God released me from the sin of contempt and that allowed me to see my brothers in masculinity with new eyes – as brothers in broken masculine humanity. We were alike! We had different forms of broken masculinity, but we were alike in our brokenness. I saw that they actually had good qualities, too. I embraced my own masculinity as good.
At last, I was free and glad to be a man!