A Gay Man Said to Me…

A gay-identified HIV+ man said to me, “Jerry, there are many men and women out there who are very confused, and calling themselves gay that have no right to do so. For those individuals, I am glad you’re there.

Many times in our 37-year history Design and Intent Ministries (DIM) has been contacted numerous times by HIV+ individuals (gay and not gay-identified) requesting our help with rent, groceries, utilities, etc.

The gentleman quoted above was one of those individuals who had asked us for help. At the time of this phone call, I was confident he did not know DIM’s mission.

This gentleman was gay-identified and, I didn’t know it at that time he was about 5 months from his death. I thought it right to explain to him who he was receiving financial support from so that he could decide to decline or accept our help. I explained to him that DIM is a Christian Ministry supporting men and women with same-sex attraction who are pursuing sexual purity and relational wholeness in accordance with the Bible and as seen throughout creation. Holding my breath I waited for him to blast me with negativity. That is when he said the statement above. Wow! I was relieved and struck in awe by his insight. He gets us!

Who Comes To Design and Intent Ministries Seeking Support?

Dr. Joe Kort, Ph.D., a gay-identified, same-sex married, and gay-affirming therapist explains receiving numerous referrals from individuals who come out as gay or bisexual, and even though having had sex with the same-sex or gone to gay porn websites, etc, they insist that they are not gay. They say that they are not homophobic either; (Kort concurred) but the label of ‘gay sexuality’ just doesn’t fit them (Kort concurred).

Kort continued to observe over three decades in reaction to prejudiced and destructive anti-gay attitudes, a pendulum swung so far in the other direction that it has now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness to assume that men who have sex with men are “in denial” and need help to recognize and accept their “true” homosexual orientation and gay identity. The truth is Kort goes on, that many men who have sex with men aren’t gay or even bisexual. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or bisexual identity, whereas other men do not.

Kort identifies many reasons that men may have romantic and, or sexual attractions towards other men and which have nothing to do with being gay or bisexual. Here are some of those reasons Kort reports…

Acting out early-childhood sexual abuse: This is also known as “homosexual imprinting.” These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire, nor are they aroused by, other men. However, they compulsively reenact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. If a heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse his emotional pain or desensitize him to it. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s reenacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.

Sex work or escorting: These heterosexual men voluntarily engage in sexual behavior with other men for the financial reward, but they lack desire for other men and are aroused by the sexual behavior, not by the man. It is widely known in the porn and sex work industries that straight men that have sex with men are paid more than they would be for sex with women. [This dynamic applies to drug-addicted individuals who prostitute themselves to the same sex. Additionally, this applies to individuals who are incarcerated and ‘partner-up’ with individuals of the same sex for protection, power, loneliness, sexual release, etc]

Seeking intensely arousing but personally shameful: These are heterosexual men who are strongly interested in various sexual experiences that many people might label “homosexual.” To avoid being identified in this way by women, they seek out men, whom they perceive as nonjudgmental.

First sexual experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25), for the experience or to satisfy curiosity.

Availability/opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy and allows them to avoid having to personally/ emotionally engage.

Father hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance [validation, attention].

Sexual orientation [learned] toward men but emotional/romantic orientation toward women: These are men who are romantically attracted to women and are usually partnered with women. They enjoy sex and are satisfied with the women they love, but they have a compulsion for sex with other men.

Narcissism: These are straight men that are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored.

Sexual addiction: “Gay” behavior can be the result of sexual addiction.

Exhibitionism: These straight men enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are bodybuilders and muscular and enjoy the homoerotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.

Individuals who tend to sexualize and, or romanticize legitimate emotional needs.

Human sexuality and relationships are extremely complex! The trite and pat answers of “You’re just gay – accept it” are unacceptable and do incalculable harm to thousands of men, women, and families. At the very least, men (and women) have the right to counseling from an educated and informed professional regarding human psycho-sexual development, and that provides the time and space to individuals for examining their same-sex attractions, behaviors, and, or desires without being labeled ‘gay.’ To make simple the complexities of human relationships and human sexuality is making trite an individual’s uniqueness and life journey.

The Christian worldview knows that the world, flesh, devil, and original sin have affected each and every one of us. For some of us, it has affected our sexuality.

God’s design and intent still stand amid a person having been infected and affected by the world, the flesh, and the devil.

Many individuals have come to the same conclusion about the origins of their sexuality as well as the design and intent of their sexuality as DIM.

Individuals can provide helpful and ethical support to individuals with same-sex attraction other than ‘you must go gay’. Individuals can meet with men and women without either one giving up their worldview, values, or beliefs.