My Transgender Story
“See to it that no bitter root grows up to
cause trouble and defile many.”
Reluctant though I had been, God was transforming me By His Spirit and through His Word, He was restoring me to His divine design and intent.
By this time in my life, I knew that God had created me to reflect the unique masculine image that He had given me. But in order for that to happen, I had to surrender to His will and I had to work together with Him to remove the blocks that hindered me from reflecting a part if His divine masculine image.
One aspect of my fallen nature that I was hanging on to…that I did not want to admit to…but that was hampering my transformation and my peace, was contempt.
Before I explain how contempt was consuming my heart and mind and was driving a wedge between me and my Savior, I’ll give you the textbook definition of the term.
Contempt defined: Regarding anything considered mean, vile, or worthless and shows disdain, scorn, and dishonor towards that object. The willful disobedience and open disrespect for the rules of orders of a court. The act showing disrespect
As I posted in my last entry, I had observed and endured many different forms of broken masculinity during those early formative years. Through these negative role models and experiences, I had arrived at several conclusions about men:
- They are half human beings. Totally out of touch with their emotions. Almost worthless.
- They never work together for the good of others Rather, they are always competing against each other
- They live narrow lives – shoving themselves only into what men are ‘supposed’ to do.
- They do not want relationship.
- They are intentionally hurtful.
- They certainly do not want me around.
- They are embarrassed by the way that I express masculinity.
- In a word, they are arrogant jerks.
Because I rejected these popular definitions of “real manhood,” I began to justify rejecting men in my heart and mind. I hated them. And therein lies the first layer of contempt in my heart. I saw men as mean, vile and nearly worthless.
The second layer of contempt moved me from a contemptuous attitude of mind and heart to contemptuous actions. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, I began to display my contempt and disdain for their brand of manhood. I determined to make a mockery of their masculinity. Instead of them making me feel dread, anxiety, fear, inadequacy and shame around them, I did whatever I could to make them feel these emotions! I ‘poured on’ the femininity characteristics, so that men felt uncomfortable, uneasy and embarrassed— instead of me! I would mock masculinity by being feminine. “This is what I think of your masculinity – away with it! I’m not comfortable with your definition of manhood, so how do you like my definition! (effeminacy).”
The final layer of my contempt—the foundational layer, really—was my contempt of God and His rules and orders. I was mocking His masculine image. (“In the image of God created He them, male and female created He them.) I also was covering up my masculinity, the gender that He had assigned me in order to reflect His image, and was putting on femininity, contrary to His design. In these two ways I was in contempt of the orders and rules of His court (creation).
Contempt was corrupting my relationship to, and certainly my likeness to, my Savior. I desperately needed healing…
To be continued. Part III & final My Transgender Story.